23
1 Nov.
91
Last
night I saw George Kenner at Tinas Halloween party, five years to the day since
the one where he first approached me. I was there with Bob, and so I felt safe.
I had already sent George a thank-you note for the book, and this time I
thanked him in person. He assured me that the doctor-author remembers me quite
fondly from the two vacations that I spent on the islands. A captivating woman,
he called me.
I enjoyed
hearing that. Yes, my journal, I am vain, and I know it. But I dont like the
word vain, it sounds like empty. (I remind myself of the princess
Catherine in Henry V, when she did not like the word foot.) Why isnt
there in English vanitous, like vaniteuse in French? I will bring it up
the next time I see one of my anglo friends, perhaps Jodi next week.
But what was
more interesting was that today G is going to New York for a medical conference
and is taking Amy with him, so that she can be with Daniel. The girl is almost
eighteen and still a virgin, and she wants Daniel to be her first, has been
fantasizing about it for 3 years. And Daniel, according to G, is expecting her
I spoke with
Daniel a few days ago, and he said nothing about it (though he did tell me that
he is no longer dating Cici). That doesnt surprise me. It isnt the kind of
thing that he would tell me about. But he said something about spending this
weekend with his friend Roger at his parents country house, as he did a month
ago. Something seems fishy. Could Amy still be fantasizing? Did she
misinterpret something D said to her? She is a very strange girl, after all.
But I will
stay out of it. Let them work it out.
Betty has
become quite the college girl. She likes her cégep but she missed English, so
she asked for, and received, exceptional permission to take a literature class
at Vanier and get credit for it at the cégep de Saint-Laurent. Paul, who is
even more lawyerish than his father, helped her write the petition.
She also has
her own telephone. It makes life easier for both of us. Now when my phone rings
I can take it either in my study or in my bedroom and have all the privacy I
need. And I do need it: I am still keeping Bob private. How much longer? Time
will tell.
And, speaking
of time, it is also the beginning of my 6th year with you, my journal. For me,
that is quite a long relationship. Longer than any that I have had with a man.
Perhaps its because we dont meet to often. Let me see: this is my 23rd entry,
so on the average I have opened you only 4½ times a year. But 87 and 89 were
not good years between you and me. If we dont count them then I have confided
with you fairly constantly every 1 to 2 months.
Perhaps thats
the key. Infrequency helps constancy. Linfréquence aide la constance. But wait
is there a word infréquence in French? It doesnt sound right. And it
isnt in Larousse. How about this: la fréquence
est lennemie de la constance. If
Voltaire didnt write it, he might have, and I will pretend that he did. From
now on I will quote that saying and say as Voltaire said
We will see if
anyone will catch me.
It is
certainly valid for me. I have been best friends with Tina, despite our differences,
for more than 20 years, but we get together only every month or two. Same with
the Bermans (except when I see Greg to talk business), with Mark and Julie
(except when I see them at work), Jodi, Françoise, David L, Ryan B et al.
And men? I was
true to Miki for the 3 years (not quite) that I had him, and I am sure that I
would have remained so, as long as we saw each other every few months. (Greg
once told me, just after Miki left for the last time, that he saw us living
together at some time in the future. Perhaps Miki had spoken to him about the
eventuality. I smiled and said nothing.)
With
Jean-Marc, on the other hand, it was too frequent and it didnt last. I mean,
it lasted less than a year, contrary to the 2-3 years that my other relationships
lasted.
Which brings
me to Bob. We see each other almost every week, and its going on a year and a
half. I enjoy almost every minute with him, and yet I feel something like the
ticking of a clock that is winding down. And that clock is inside me. Nothing
to do with whether he will meet a younger woman. Its me, my journal. Cest
moi. Mireille, linconstante.
Bonne nuit,
mon journal.
Cusp
and hyphen
It was quite late in the evening when he got home. He
noticed his answering machine flashing with five messages, but he was sleepy
and decided to postpone listening to them until the morning.
The
first message, time-stamped Friday evening, was from Amy. Hi Daniel, were in
New York. Call me here at the hotel. And she left him the number.
What?!
Amy wasnt due in New York for another three weeks!
He
went back to retrieve the card while he listened to the other messages. They
were all from Amy, two on Saturday and two on Sunday, with their tone turning
from surprise to disappointment to dismay to resignation.
He
looked at the note, and he realized that the cusp of the numeral 3 had a
leftward extension of a millimeter or so. It was a hyphen! A hyphen that had
merged with the numeral, and so led him to misread 2-3 as 23!
He
needed to get in touch with Amy immediately. He didnt have her phone number,
but he was sure that Betty did, and so he telephoned his sister who had her
own line by this time and left her a message asking him to call him back as
soon as possible with Amy Kenners phone number.
He
felt stupid, though the mistake had obviously been due to Amys careless
penmanship. No matter: he should have confirmed the date with her. He was the
older of the two, technically an adult while she was still a minor (though
above the age of consent even in New York), and he had accepted the
responsibility of initiating her into womanhood. That Monday he found it
difficult to pay attention in his classes. He knew that he would not sleep well
if he did not rectify the mistake by evening.
When he got home he found, to his relief, that Betty had
called him back and left the number he needed. The message did not specify if
it was Amys own number or her fathers. But at that time, late afternoon, he
guessed, Amy would probably be home while George Kenner was still at the
hospital. His guess seemed right. The voice that said Hello sounded as
he remembered Amys.
Amy!
Its Daniel. Im so sorry
he began, in one breath.
This
is not Amy, the voice interrupted him. Its her mother.
Im
so sorry, he said again. So Amy, it seemed, traveled with her father but lived
with her mother, except perhaps weekends.
Amy!
he now heard the mothers voice exclaiming, behind a partially muffled phone.
Its Daniel, for you.
There
was a long silence before he finally heard a voice that could only be Amys
ask, calmly, What happened?
I
was away for the weekend.
But
I thought
Yes,
but I had misread your card. Instead of November two to three I read it as
November twenty-three. I missed the hyphen it had merged with the three.
Amy
suddenly laughed. Me and my sloppy writing! So thats what it was!
I
hope your time wasnt wasted.
No,
I ended up having a good time. I met some people my age and a little older, and
we hung out and went places. I love New York!
Im
glad.
But
listen. If you already set aside the weekend of the twenty-third to be with me
then Ill come out and see you, on my own.
Are
you sure you can do that?
Im
seventeen and three quarters, and she now lowered her voice Im tired of
being a virgin. I can fly out Friday evening and go back Sunday evening.
But
if thats the case, theres no need to wait till three weeks. How about next
weekend?
Are
you free?
Ive
got a soccer game on Sunday, but you can come and watch. He had thought of
attending a Saturday matinee of The Magic Flute, with Pamina sung by the
same Korean soprano that he had heard in La Bohème, but it was something
he could forgo. Or perhaps Amy might want to join him.
Cool!
I love soccer.
He
thought of asking her if she also liked opera, but decided to hold off. So,
he asked, are you going to try to come?
You
bet, she said. Im going to call Air Canada right away, and Ill call you
back as soon as I know.
She
did not call him back that evening or the following morning. When he got home
from the morning classes there was a message from her.
Daniel,
its Amy. My mom doesnt think Im old enough to travel by myself, at least
outside Canada. I guess Ill have to be a virgin a little bit longer. Youre
coming to Montreal for Christmas, arent you? See ya!
Why,
Daniel wondered, did Amy have to refer to her virginity so much? Doth the lady,
perhaps, protest too much? Was it meant to make her more desirable to him?
In
anticipating his encounter with Amy, Daniel had been reflecting on the fact
that, despite the extensive experience he had acquired in the three years since
his own initiation, among the two dozen or so female bodies that he had
experienced only one, Roxane Vaniers, had been virginal, and that only in the
most strictly technical sense. Gen had given him pointers on how to deal with a
virgin, but he had had no chance to put them to use and didnt remember them
too well, except that the recommended position for the first penetration was
one where he would be seated on an armless chair and the girl would straddle
him, letting herself be entered at a pace of her choosing. He remembered that
position because it was one that Cici liked, and it was one they used during
breakup sex.
He
had now been continent for over two months, and for the last few weeks it had
been increasingly uncomfortable. Perhaps longer perhaps since first meeting
Monica Lehmann, over a month ago now. He was beginning to regret ignoring
Cicis implied invitation.
He
thought about Cici as he walked back from his afternoon class, and when he saw
yet another message light blinking on his answering machine he had the
premonition that it might be from her. It was.
Daniel,
its Cici. Please call me as soon as possible. Her voice sounded urgent, and
he called her immediately.
Hi,
he said in response to her Hello.
Daniel,
thanks for calling. She took a deep breath. You know, the last time we were
together, I wasnt as careful as I shouldve been. He waited for her to go on.
Im going in for an abortion this Thursday morning. Id like you to come to
the clinic with me.
He
had no classes Thursday morning. Okay, he said.
And Id like to spend the night before at
your place. Is that okay too?
Sure.
I
should also tell you this: its probably yours, but Im not one hundred percent
sure. But it doesnt matter.
He
remembered her saying that it didnt matter when he asked her if there was
someone else.
I
guess not, he said.
Thanks
for being a good friend. I knew I could count on you. See you Wednesday
evening!
See
you! he said just before Cici hung up.
He
had been so dazed by the call that he did not begin thinking about its
ramifications until it was over.
Not
as careful as she should have been? Cici used the pill. Had she skipped some
doses during the time before returning to New York? Did Hurricane Bob have
anything to do with it?
Not
one hundred percent sure? Obviously, then, there had been someone else,
probably in Florida just before her return.
Spending
the night at his place? Did that mean in his bed? With him? Sex would be safe,
since she was already pregnant. He had never done it with a pregnant woman, as
far as he knew. He had heard from his mother that a womans libido, typically,
drops in early pregnancy before picking up in the middle trimester.
Would
Cici be showing? It would be almost two and a half months. Why, he wondered,
had she waited so long? Perhaps she wasnt really so far gone, and the father
was not Daniel, or Hurricane Bob, but someone she slept with a month later,
around the time that he implicitly spurned her.
No
matter. He would be the good friend that she thought of him as being.
The news that week was mainly about the Madrid Peace
Conference. Daniel thought of calling Ora Rozen to ask her about her feelings
on the matter, as an Israeli, but decided against it. His relationship with his
former teaching assistant was too tangled to be reinitiated on any level except
that of DNA analysis.
He
wondered when he would hear from Will Prosper about the prospect of identifying
his fathers presumed bones. Michael Wilner would, Daniel was sure, have
covered the conference and written about it. There was talk about a possible
continuation of the peace process that had begun in Madrid. Perhaps he, Daniel
Wilner, would cover it once he was a full-fledged journalist.
When Cici showed up at his doorstep Daniel could see, even
with her overcoat on her, that the roundness of her belly which had always
enchanted him was enhanced to a degree that allowed no doubt that she was a
good two months pregnant. She greeted him with a kiss on the cheek and, making
no move to doff her coat it was a chilly November evening she said, Im
starving. Let me take you out to dinner.
On
the way out of the building, as they were walked toward the Cuban-Chinese
restaurant where they had become acquainted, she said, I owe you an explanation.
Of
what?
For
involving you in this business. As I said, its probably yours, but it might be
someone I saw in Miami just before I got back.
He
wouldnt be a football player named Bob, would he?
What?
When
you mentioned Hurricane Bob, I thought of the Miami Hurricanes
Cici
laughed heartily. The only thing he plays is cards. And piano. But his name is
Roberto. This is really funny. She laughed again. But seriously, the reason
Im asking you to come with me is that thereve been cases where a boyfriend or
husband or ex would take legal action against a woman having an abortion, and
the clinics are wary, so Id like to present you as my boyfriend and the babys
father.
The
babys father! The words sent a chill through Daniels body, already
chilled by the cold, damp air. Until that moment he had thought of the
pregnancy as a kind of medical condition that she had caught from him, not the
creation of a new human life that implied parenthood. What if Cici, like his
mother, had decided to keep the baby? Of course there was no comparing the two
cases. Mireille Bouchard had no access to a legal abortion in 1971 Quebec,
though by then Dr. Henry Morgentaler had already begun his defiant campaign,
and Mireille knew him. But, most importantly, Miki Wilner was a mature man
whose longing for fatherhood, frustrated during his marriage to Brigitte, was
not to be denied, and surely Mireille knew that. And while Cici, like Mireille,
was twenty-one, he, Daniel, was only twenty. Fatherhood seemed far removed.
Did
you ever give any thought to keeping it? he asked, hesitantly.
Are
you crazy? Daniel found the response comforting. How could you even ask that
question?
I
dont know. Its just that you said baby, not fetus.
Should
I say the fetuss father? That sounds funny. Maybe the guy who
knocked me up. This is Daniel Wilner, my boyfriend and the guy who knocked
me up.
Am
I your boyfriend?
No,
but you will be tomorrow morning. Thats why were sleeping together tonight,
so I wont be lying. Cici laughed, and Daniel couldnt help joining her.
When
they were seated in the warmth of the restaurant, amid the heady mix of Asian
and Caribbean aromas wafting about them, he asked her, When did you find out?
Just
a few weeks ago. You see, with the packing and unpacking and repacking and
re-unpacking I wasnt taking the pill so regularly, but I got back on schedule
in September, and I had what seemed to be a period, though it was only for a
day or two, which was strange. Then in October when I supposed to have my
period again I didnt, so I went to see my doctor. Thats when I found out.
Back
at his apartment, as they were getting ready for bed, he asked her, When you
said sleeping together, did you mean
Yes.
I told you I didnt want to be lying. So, for tonight, youre my boyfriend
again. By the way, in case youre really curious, I can ask them for a DNA
sample and your friend Ora the name was again pronounced in a Spanish way
can analyze it.
Was
she joking? With Cici he was never sure. He decided to ignore the comment, and
she did not pursue the matter.
In
bed, she said, Do what you want, but dont expect me to be too active. Its
the hormones, you know.
And,
in fact, he had never known her so passive, almost tentative, quite unlike the
experienced woman that he knew her as. He couldnt help imagining himself with
Amy. And there was also that time with Megan, a year and a half since
In the waiting room of the clinic there were three other
young women, two of them with male companions, and another woman, alone, who
looked close to forty. No one talked much. Cici was the first one to be called
into the office. Daniel was given the expected waiver form to sign, and
afterwards Cici said, You can go now.
Are
you sure?
Yes.
Im going to be here for a while, I dont know how long, and I know how to get
home.
Ill
call you this afternoon.
Thatll
be nice.
Good
luck!
Thanks.
And thanks for everything!
He
did call Cici that afternoon. He got her answering machine, but she called him
back shortly to tell him that everything was okay.
One
again his thoughts, in the personal realm, were focused on Amy. When would he
ever get to see her again? How about Thanksgiving? That was a four-day weekend,
and he could take a short hop to Montreal. Of course American Thanksgiving was
not a holiday in Canada, and so it would really be just an ordinary weekend for
his compatriots. Still, he could be with Amy from Friday evening till some time
on Sunday.
He
went to see The Magic Flute, and somehow Pamina made him think of Amy.
By the beginning of the following week he had almost resolved to take the trip.
On Tuesday there was another letter from Amy.
16 Nov., 1991
Dear
Daniel,
As you know,
Ive been very frank, maybe too frank (blush!), in communicating my feelings to
you, about how much Ive been attracted to you since the first time I saw you,
and also about how I was tired of being a virgin. The two seemed to be joined
together I wanted you to be my first lover. But the difficulties in bridging
the physical distance between us have led to frustration, and the two feelings
got separated. So, continuing with my frankness, I need to tell you that I
finally gave in to a boy whos been after me for a long time. I dont have the
feelings for him that I have for you, and what made it enjoyable was that I
thought about you the whole time that we were doing it, but its done.
I realize
that the idea of you being my first lover was purely mine and not anything that
I owed to you. Still, for some strange reason I feel like asking you to forgive
me. If you think thats crazy, let me know.
Love,
(no longer the virgin)
Amy
There
was something about Amys letter that felt to Daniel like a turnoff. Suddenly
he no longer felt like going to Montreal over Thanksgiving, or even having sex
with Amy at all. Perhaps it was her overdramatization of it all something
that might be perfectly natural for a girl, but that he had no interest in. Give
me someone like Megan any time, he said to himself.
The
paper with Claires phone number was still on his nightstand. He called her,
and she was free to have coffee with him that afternoon. After some chatting he
asked her if she felt like taking a walk. Where to? she asked. To my place,
he said. Sure, she said with no hesitation.
Daniel Wilner was now a junior. All five of the classes he
was taking were upper-division, and four of the five required term papers. In
fact, in one of them Contemporary Europe there would be no final
examination, and the entire grade would be based on the paper, for which the
ongoing breakup of the Soviet Union was Daniels chosen topic.
Daniel
decided that he would enter the postmodern age by composing his papers on his
IBM PC. The computer came with Windows 3.0 and Microsoft Word for Windows, and
that was the program that he determined to use, though more experienced
computer users had recommended WordPerfect. But the value of the Microsoft
stock that he had bought on Greg Bermans recommendation had already, in six
months, risen by a third, and he felt a proprietary pride in using Microsoft
products.
By
mid-November, when he had gathered enough notes to begin typing the papers, he
knew enough about Microsoft Word to enjoy the process, but he would still
occasionally get hung up on such things as indenting quoted paragraphs.
His
decision to forgo the trip to Montreal meant that he now had a full three weeks
until the papers were due, during the study days between the end of classes and
the beginning of finals.
Claire dressed quickly, just as she had undressed, while
Daniel disposed of the condom. She had put her glasses, after taking them off
for their first kiss, on his desk. As she was now putting them on with her left
hand, with her right she casually left-clicked the mouse of his computer. The
Windows desktop came on. You like little pictures, she said.
What
do you mean? Daniel asked. He was zipping up his jeans.
This
Windows stuff.
What
do you use? DOS? I know people who prefer DOS.
No,
I use Unix. My dad he taught me to use a computer when I was eight. Daniel
already knew that Claire was a math major and that her father was a physicist
who worked at Bell Labs. Now Im going to switch to a new version of Unix that
works on PCs. Its called Linux.
Youve
got a dozen years on me, then. I just learned. And only Word and e-mail.
If
you dont need to do calculations, I guess thats all you need. But theres a
new thing thats just starting, called the World Wide Web. My dad says in a few
years itll be available to everybody. Its a way of accessing all kinds of
information from all over the world, and not just text.
That
sounds interesting. What do you use for word processing?
I
use tek. Thats spelled capital T, small E, capital X.
Funny
spelling.
Yeah.
Its that techie sense of humor.
Do
you know Word?
Of
course. Us geeks, especially Chinese ones she giggled make a point of
learning every program that comes along.
It
was only with Claires reference to her ethnicity that it struck
Daniel that he had just had his first sex with an Asian woman, East Asian
to be precise. And once sex and race were on his mind, he remembered
that Marisa was the first who
would be black if transported from Cuba (where she was a mulata) to
North America.
Would
you be able to help me if run into a problem with Word?
Call
me any time, she said with a laugh that seemed provocative, followed by a
tender look. It was the first indication that she had enjoyed their episode of
sex, something she had not made evident while they were doing it.
Actually,
theres something I could use some help with right now. And he explained his
problem to her. She quickly showed him several ways of resolving it, using both
keystrokes and mouse clicks, though she seemed to prefer the former. He thanked
her with a kiss on her neck.
Oooh,
she said, and pulled away from him. Her parka was draped over his desk chair,
and she picked it up and held it in her hand, hesitating briefly before
beginning to put it on. With one sleeve on, she paused and said, Lets do it
again.
Sure.
Ill call you.
No,
I dont mean some time. I mean now. I wasnt really into it when we did it
before, because I had some stuff on my mind. But its gone now.
Once
again she undressed quickly she did not seem to have learned yet about
seductive undressing or letting herself be undressed and drew him inside her
as soon as he was ready, in a sideways posture that Gen had taught him and that
he had used occasionally with Megan. This, though, was the first time that his
partner had initiated it, by sliding her leg under his waist. And this time, as
far as Daniel could tell, Claire was really into it.
So I hear you got it on with Claire Chen, Roger said to
Daniel after their first class on Monday morning.
Yeah,
Daniel said, trying to hide his surprise at his friends knowing about it. How
do you know?
Claire
told Monica, and Monica told me. You know, if I didnt think that you know your
way around women, Id warn you to be careful.
Why?
Well,
back in high school, Claire started out as a nerd, but then she
overcompensated, getting herself contacts, wearing tight tops, frizzing her
hair she was even a blonde for a while and so on. And she got a reputation
as a man-eater once she would get her clutches into a guy, she wouldnt let
go. I dont shes been quite like that here at Columbia at least shes back
to glasses and her natural hair but I dont really know.
She
still wears tight tops, Daniel said with a smile.
Yeah,
she does have a great body. Anyway, Monica told me this time because youre my
friend.
Were
you among the guys in high school that Claire
?
Me?
Yes.
I
thought you might have noticed, Roger said, and continued very slowly, that
Im not actually into women.
You
mean
You
didnt suspect? Roger asked with a smile.
I
may have, but I thought that with your politics
Yes,
theres that. Something Ill have to deal with. Theres an organization called
Log Cabin Republicans that Im going to join when I come out.
So, am I supposed to be discreet about it?
Hmmm.
Monica knows. Claire knows. Roger smiled. Sophie and Mark know. I dont know
if my parents know or not. I plan to come out when I graduate.
Will
you have a coming-out party?
Roger
laughed. I may, if I have someone special at the time. For now I dont, and
Im not looking.
By
the way, Daniel said by way of the changing the subject, which was making him
uncomfortable, I dont really know my way around women all that much.
Roger
laughed again. It was time for the next class.
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