22
26 Aug.
91
Daniel
just left for New York. He took the overnight bus again; the overnight train,
he said, was too slow.
But what is on
my mind this time is not so much my direct conversations with him, but rather
what Greg told me about the one he had with him.
He told Greg
the same thing that he told me at the beginning of the year: his suspicions
that the body buried in Mikis grave may not be that of his father. Greg then
told him about my visits to the cemetery, something I had never told the kids
about, and about what he called my almost-breakdown when I learned of Mikis
death. Well, my journal, I dont remember anything quite so melodramatic. But I
acknowledge that I have been holding back too much of my inner life from the
kids, especially Daniel, and in a way I am grateful to Greg for bringing it to
Ds attention, distorted though it may be.
I had the
perhaps naïve belief that as Daniel matured we would get closer and become more
like friends. But the conversation we had in January was as close as we ever
got, and since then he seems to be getting even more distant. Greg told me that
DNA analysis of skeletons with PCR is progressing rapidly, perhaps even faster than
Daniel knows, and that D is determined to go ahead with it. Greg says that
there is no legal way of stopping him. Oh well. So be it. Let the chips fall
where they may.
George Kenner
is not completely out of my life. Last week I found on my desk a belated
birthday present from him, which he dropped off in my absence. It was a book,
the novel by that young doctor working in the islands, just published. It was ded
inscribed to me, à la belle Mireille. So he remembered me! Or perhaps George
told him what to write.
I have not
quite finished reading it. It takes place in the islands, and the protagonist
is what else? a young doctor, though there is also a murder mystery going
on around him.
Betty has told
me that the teacher of her writing class, Ms. Casey (who was Daniels adviser
about going to university in the US), told the kids write about what you
know. The young doctor seems to have been taught the same thing. I told Betty
that I didnt think that it was very good advice, that I thought it would be
boring to write only about yourself and what you know instead of letting your
imagination carry you to people and places and times different from your own.
Shakespeare, after all, wrote about ancient Rome and Greece, and Italy and
Denmark, without ever having been there, and his characters are so varied that
they could not possibly be based on himself.
The young
doctor, on the other hand, based his characters, other than himself, on people
he knew in the islands, people that he told us about, especially the crazy
English of Ile dEntrée.
What also
bothered me was that, apart from a few English phrases, all the dialogue is
written in French, even when it is meant to be in English, as between two
anglophones, so it is not always clear who really speaks what. Once I caught on
I found myself mentally translating the dialogue into English in order to hear
the characters more realistically, but then I heard Tante Clotildes voice in
my head: Stop translating, Mireille! Arrête de traduire!
All that being
said, the book is entertaining, what they call a fast read. I am near the
end, and I still havent guessed who killed the woman whose body was found on
the beach.
I will read a
little more now. Perhaps I will guess before I go to sleep. Good night, my
journal.
Virgo
New York was warm and humid, with an intermittent drizzle
that seemed to hover in the thick air, uncertain about whether to come down to
earth. Daniel was not feeling well when he got to his apartment. His head felt
heavy, his sinuses were congested and his nose was running. It was either a
cold or an allergy reaction even his mother could not always tell them apart
but it didnt matter to him; he took the same decongestant that we would have
used in either case. He stayed indoors, reading, listening to music and
gradually sorting through the mountain of mail that the super had handed him
a mountain that turned into barely a molehill after the junk had been
discarded. Meanwhile the newsbreaks on the radio described the domino-like
collapse of the Soviet Union, as one republic after another declared its
independence after the failure of the coup against Gorbachev.
Gradually,
as the weather cleared, so did his condition. After five or six days, when the
heat had been driven away by a thunderstorm and relatively mild weather
returned, all seemed right with the world. Cici answered her telephone at last,
and agreed to come over the next day. Her return to New York had been delayed
by Hurricane Bob, she said. Daniel, who by then had learned enough about
American college football to know that the University of Miami team was called
the Hurricanes, resisted the temptation of asking if she was talking about a
football player named Bob.
The first indication that something was wrong came when
Cici accepted Daniels kiss but did not return it.
Is
something wrong? he asked her, disconcerted.
Not
wrong, she answered slowly as she turned her head away, just different.
What
do you mean?
I
just dont have the feelings for you that I had before.
He
waited for an elucidation, but when none came he asked, Like what?
Well,
like
maybe not being in love, but wanting to be with you. I realized it when
you called. It struck me that I hadnt really missed you during the summer, while
I missed you a lot during the Christmas break. She paused. I thought they
would come back when I saw you, but they havent.
And?
I
I dont know, Daniel.
He
felt a slight trembling inside him. Is there someone else? he asked
hesitantly.
That
doesnt matter, or it wouldnt matter if I still had the same feelings for
you.
But
I dont understand.
I
dont either, Cici said quickly with a laugh. Maybe theres nothing to
understand. Another pause. Or maybe there is, now that Im thinking about it.
You know, I enjoyed being with you last semester, but after the spring break it
wasnt exciting like it was before, it was almost routine.
Because
of Ora?
Cici
laughed. You mean, because you fucked her? No, definitely not because of that.
In fact, that gave it a little excitement.
He
felt on the verge of tears. I
was so looking forward to being with you
again.
Well,
we are together, for now, anyway.
Yes,
but
Ill
be frank with you. If theres one thing I missed, it was making love with you.
You wanna do it?
He
was nonplussed. Uh
I dont know
Lets
do it. She began to undress. Come on, she said as she undid his belt. Its
breakup sex. She unsnapped her bra behind her and pulled her tee-shirt off
together with it. Its the counterpart of makeup sex, she explained as she
pulled her underpants down from beneath her skirt. Some people say its even
better. She slipped her sandals off and stood up. Youve never done it? she
asked with a laugh as she let her skirt drop to the floor.
Daniel
began to think back to his breakups, beginning with Angie. There was no breakup
sex with her, nor with Vivian or Roxane, and with Megan there had never been a
breakup
He stopped thinking when he saw his beautiful soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend
ready for him. His mind went on to wondering if he should be doing things
differently in breakup sex, but that didnt matter: Cici took all the
initiative. And he let his mind go blank.
Afterwards
he realized that his mind, after going blank, had been overtaken by the fantasy
that he was doing it with Amy Kenner. He knew that it was not unusual for
people too imagine being with someone other than the person they were having
sex with, but it was something he had not yet experienced.
That
was good, Cici said as she began to dress. We should do it again some time,
she added with a laugh as she stroked his still-naked left thigh. Im going to
be under a lot of pressure this semester Ive got the GREs and Ive got to
bring my GPA up I didnt tell you, but I got a C-plus last semester and I
might need some relief occasionally, so I might call you. Feel free to say no,
if youre busy, or with someone else, or whatever.
There
were still traces of Amy on Daniels mind, and he found Cicis proposition too
much to deal with at the moment.. What did you get a C-plus in? he asked her
instead.
Cici
laughed. She finished buckling her sandals and stood up. This is
embarrassing, she said. In Spanish.
You
mean the Latin American lit class you were taking?
Yes.
I wrote the papers in my kind of Spanish, the way I talk, but the prof wanted
literary Spanish, which Id never studied.
You
mean the one you said was a gringa, who you didnt get along with?
Yes.
Anyway, its time for me to get back home. Daniel was still sitting on the
bed, and Cici bent down to give him a kiss. Hasta luego, she said as
she walked nonchalantly to the door and eased herself out.
Once again it was Amy, not Cici, who took over
Daniels thinking. What was it that he felt toward Amy, whom he barely knew,
having met her only once? Lust, unquestionably; he could feel it in the flesh
as Amys image fluttered across his imagination. But there had to be more.
Superficially there was nothing special about Amy. Physically she was almost
the opposite of her cousin Megan: an adult, hollow-cheeked face one that,
according to Betty, was not all that pretty, though Daniel found it
attractive on a body that still looked pubescent, with small if well-defined
breasts and straight hips. Was it perhaps the fact that the lust, once it was
aroused at Harvey and Leslies party, was not satisfied? Daniel was, by this
time, used to having his way with women in short order, with Cici as the
exception that proved the rule. With Amy it had simply been a matter of
opportunity.
He
wrote Amy a letter, or rather a postcard tucked into an envelope, telling her
that he was sorry that he had missed her, that he was looking forward to the
next opportunity to see her, and that he very much wanted to spend time with her.
He also asked if she was going to CEGEP.
He
pondered over his girlfriend-less status, and found it not unpleasant. Not only
that: he was about to turn twenty, and after three years of fairly steady
sexual activity it might be nice to take a break, for a few months anyway
perhaps for the duration of the fall semester. Once he was in Montreal for
Christmas vacation, Amy would perhaps be there for him.
When classes began he noticed a familiar figure in two of
them: Roger Lehmann, a classmate majoring in history, whom he had met in
another history class in the spring. Daniel did not recognize Roger
immediately; he remembered him as pale and slightly pudgy, but now he looked
fit and was so deeply tanned that if there were a scale of skin darkness ranging
from albino to West African, Roger would be above fifty percent.
It
turned out that Rogers family lived in Riverdale and owned a beach house in
the Hamptons, not directly on the beach but close to it. They were not related
to the banking Lehmans (the one-N Lehmans, as Roger called them), but were rich
in their own right. And Roger had spent the entire summer, up to and including
Labor Day, at the house, doing maintenance work, swimming and sailing. He would
continue going out there once a month during the semester, probably on the
first weekend of each month, beginning in October, when Roger would be
celebrating his twentieth birthday with his twin sister Monica, who was going
to Sarah Lawrence.
Would you like to come? Roger asked. Itll
be just family and a few friends.
First
weekend in October? I dont see why not. Midterms wont be for another week.
Youve
got that figured out already!
Sure.
Whens your actual birthday?
That
Saturday, the fifth.
Im
two and a half weeks older than you, Daniel said.
It
figures. A Virgo, just as I thought.
Of
course. A Libra would think that. And both young men burst out laughing.
Amys reply came in the form of a birthday card, one of
about a dozen that he received from family and friends. There was even a
friendly card from Cici, with a postscript reading Call me. On the
envelope of the one from Megan he noticed that her return address was no longer
that of her parents but downtown, in the Concordia neighborhood. Amys card had
a note written below the printed HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dear Daniel,
Im writing
to wish you a happy birthday and to let you know that I was thrilled to get
your card and to find out that youre interested in me. Ive been interested in
you every since Betty (she was Zoe then) pointed you out to me when we were
just beginning Grade 9 and I said to myself, hes going to be my first lover.
And, believe it or not, Im saving myself for you. Only I didnt think it would
take this long.
In answer to
your question, Im taking Grade 12 at NORTH AM and Im hoping to go to college
in the US, maybe even New York.
Happy
birthday!
Yours,
Amy
Saving
herself for him! Holy shit! Do girls really do that? Not for marriage, but to
be deflowered by a particular guy that they have a crush on, even if the guy
lives four hundred miles away? And for three years now! Well, he could
certainly save himself for her for three months.
There
was something about Amys desire to lose her virginity to Daniel that stirred a
vague memory in the deep recesses of his mind, but he could not place it.
He
wondered for several days about how to reply to both Cici and Amy. He
guessed that Cicis Call me implied a need for stress relief,
and the thought of acting as his ex-girlfriends stress-relief
valve did not appeal to him. But he called her anyway, not sure about
how he would communicate his feelings to her.
Im
calling you, like you asked, he said in reply to her Hello. She
laughed, and he joined her.
Not
much needed to be said for Cici to deduce that Daniel was not interested in a
sexual connection. After a few minutes of chitchat she said, Well, thanks for
calling, and laughed again. Bye! she added.
To
Amy he wrote a brief note, once again on a postcard tucked into an envelope,
saying he hoped that he would live up to her expectations.
As Daniel got to know Roger Lehmann he discovered that,
for the first time, he was making friends with someone of strongly right-wing
views. Roger attributed the collapse of the Communist bloc to the wisdom of the
policies of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, and he was thrilled with the
military coup that ousted Jean-Bertrand Aristide from the presidency of Haiti.
He did not hesitate to make his view known in class discussions, and chuckled
over the sometimes clumsy attempts by his mostly liberal-leaning fellow
students to refute them.
You
dont seem to like liberals much, Daniel said to Roger one day as they were
walking from one class to another.
Its
not like Im Rush Limbaugh, Roger said with a chuckle.
Who?
Rush
Limbaugh. Hes got a radio program, and he really has it in for liberals, and
feminists, and the civil rights movement. I listen to him sometimes, but hes a
little over the top for me. A Canadian liberal like you I think we can
communicate.
Thanks,
buddy. I guess I could say the same about an American conservative. Im not
sure about Canadian ones, especially since they call themselves Progressive
Conservatives.
Thats
funny. I wonder what Rush would say about that!
They were picked up at the station by Rogers mother in a
Ford Bronco. To Rogers Hi mom, this is Daniel she responded with Hi,
Daniel without giving her name, and so to Daniel she was Mrs. Lehmann. Her
husband, who was back at the house with Monica, would similarly, Daniel
reckoned, be Mr. Lehmann. The rest of the party, friends and relatives
including Rogers older sister Sophie with her husband Mark and their children,
would not come till tomorrow, Mrs. Lehmann announced, except possibly Peter.
Peter is Monicas boyfriend, Roger explained. Hes also an old friend of
mine, from elementary school, but we went to different high schools and lost
contact. Then Monica met him when a bunch of girls from Sarah Lawrence went up
to Wesleyan for a dance. He remembered her.
The
house turned out to be rather modest. It was on one level, and seemed
considerably older that the two-story houses around it, possibly dating from a
time before the village had become a fashionable destination for New Yorkers.
Its clapboard siding seemed newly painted probably Rogers work over the
summer but the paint of the trim was peeling. Its plan was simple: the entire
front half was occupied by a single hall the main room, Roger called it
that combined living room, dining room, family room and, in one corner, the kitchen.
In the middle there was a fireplace, on either side of which there was a
passage to a hallway, each hallway leading to two bedrooms and a bathroom, all
facing the wooded backyard. Rogers bedroom was, naturally enough, in the right
wing, as was the room that would be occupied by his guest or guests, in this
case Daniel.
And
in fact, as came to light in the conversation that began as soon as they sat
down for pre-dinner drinks, the senior Lehmanns turned out to be far lest
rightist than their son. They were liberal Republicans in the tradition of
Nelson Rockefeller and Jacob Javits, they despised Al DAmato, and they were
among the few who in the preceding gubernatorial election had voted for Pierre
Rinfret, whom Roger who had voted for Herbert London made point of
identifying as a French Canadian, just like my friend here.
Youre
French Canadian? Monica said, flashing a dazzling smile. You dont sound like
it, and Wilner doesnt sound too French.
Ive
been bilingual pretty much all my life. Wilner was my fathers name. He was a
Polish Jew who became a German journalist and he died when I was two. On my
mothers side Im Bouchard.
Nice
combination, Monica said. Dads family used to be Jewish, back in Germany.
And you have some French on your side, dont you, mom? She had a lovely
speaking voice, seductive without being husky.
Yes,
Mrs. Lehmann said. I had a grandfather named Vernay, pronouncing the name in
an Anglo-American fashion.
You
mean Vernet, Monica corrected with a perfect French pronunciation.
Shell
never let us forget that she spent a year in Lausanne, Roger said.
Did
you really? Daniel asked.
Junior
year of high school, in an exchange program.
Alors,
tu dois parler assez bien français.
Oui,
assez bien. That beautiful smile again.
The
telephone rang. Roger got up and walked over to the kitchen area to answer it.
Its
not like it was a finishing school, Mrs. Lehmann said with a laugh. It was a
public high school, a
gym-nase, right?
Gymnase,
Monica said.
Daniel
laughed. Thats what we call a gymnasium, the kind where you work out. The
French do too, I think. But the Swiss
In
Vaud. Not in Geneva, Monica said. Vaud used to belong to Bern and
Roger
came back with the cordless handset and wordlessly handed it to Monica,
interrupting her explanation. She took it into the left-wing hallway, perhaps
into her room.
Peter?
Mrs. Lehmann asked.
Yup,
Roger said. He cant make it.
Youd
better look out, Mr. Lehmann said, addressing Daniel.
What
do you mean?
Our
little girls a bit of a flirt, in case you havent noticed.
And
with a good-looking guy like you around
Mrs. Lehmann added with a laugh.
Daniel
smiled, but could think of nothing to say. In the six weeks or so since his
breakup with Cici he had felt no active interest in girls. From time to time he
would fantasize about Amy Kenner, but he had been so busy with classes, soccer
and learning to use the computer that now occupied most of his desk that he had
not even paid any attention to whether any of the ones in his classes might be
flirting with him. But Monica was undeniably attractive, and a little
flirtation in full knowledge of an absent boyfriend might be fun.
This
isnt the first time hes stood her up like this, Roger said. Did he imply
that Monica might be ready for a new boyfriend? Ill have to be careful,
Daniel told himself. But enough sexual politics, Roger said. Lets talk
about the other kind.
Talk
about politics was evidently the Lehmann family sport, and it must have been in
these freewheeling conversations that Roger honed the skills that he displayed
in class discussions. He would always take the rightmost point of view, but
sometimes it seemed to be just for the sake of argument.
When
Monica came back she quickly joined in, and her positions were invariably the
opposite of Rogers. Small wonder, Daniel thought, that her room was in the
left wing. She was a registered Liberal, and expressed her frustration with the
reluctance of her hero, Mario Cuomo, to run for President.
Who
would want to run against George Bush? Mrs. Lehmann asked rhetorically.
Guess
who just announced that hes running! Roger said with a laugh. Bill Clinton
from Arkansas!
Whats
so funny? Monica asked.
I
thought you liked Jerry Brown.
I do,
but Clintons okay.
The
talk continued about American politics. Daniel, as a foreigner, thought it
appropriate to stay out of it. But when it came around to the breakup of the
Soviet Union, he felt comfortable enough to weigh in.
I
see a potential for trouble, he said, in that the new independent states are
precisely Stalins SSRs, so, for example, you have Ossetians in Georgia who
dont want to be Georgians, or Ukrainians in Moldavia who dont want to be
Moldavians or even Syldavians and so on.
The
reference to Syldavians made Monica laugh. Syldavians! How about Bordurians?
It
was the first time in Daniels American experience that a reference to Tintin
struck a resonant chord, and the fact made Monica even more attractive to him.
The
next morning Roger took Daniel on a long walk along the beach. The twin
birthday celebration did not begin until the afternoon, when relatives and
friends began to arrive. To Monicas but not Rogers surprise, Peter was
among them. From the moment of his arrival Monica no longer paid any attention
to Daniel. Her place was taken by her friend Claire, who, it so happened, went
to Barnard, and who lost no time in giving Daniel her phone number with the
suggestion that they get together for coffee some time.
The party
lasted well into the night. There was dancing, eating, drinking and flirting.
Claire was not the only one to flirt with Daniel, but the most consistent one,
and the other girls seemed to have conceded him to her.
About
eleven oclock people began leaving. It was understood that only Peter was to
spend the night. It occurred to Daniel that he, too, might as well go home.
When, around midnight, Sophie and Mark who lived in Riverdale announced
that they were driving back, Daniel asked them if there was room for him in
their car. Sure, Sophie said, if you dont mind sitting in the back with the
kids. The children, who were two and four, slept all through the mostly silent
ride. Mark insisted on taking a detour through Manhattan in order to take Daniel
home. It was two oclock when he got there, and he was ready for his own bed.
As he undressed he fished the paper with Claires number out of his shirt
pocket and put it on his nightstand. He thought about her briefly and
inconclusively before falling asleep.
About a week and a half later, on a Thursday morning when
he had no class, he was sitting alone in the coffeehouse on Amsterdam Avenue,
reading a history book, when he heard Hi, Daniel form behind him. It was
Claire, holding a cup of coffee.
Wanna
join me? he said. Sorry I havent called
You
didnt have to, she said with a laugh.
They
had a pleasant chat in which they told each other about themselves and which
they ended after half an hour Claire had a class to go to with a mutual
Lets do this again. When Daniel got home he found a letter from Amy waiting
for him.
13 Oct., 1991
Hi
Daniel,
Ive got some
news. My father is supposed to attend a medical conference in New York during
the weekend of 23 Nov., and I think I can talk him into letting me come with
him if you are going to be free to see me. Let me know! Well be arriving on
the Friday evening before.
Love,
Amy
He
lifted the October page of his wall calendar to check for November dates, and
saw that the twenty-third, a Saturday, was on the weekend before Thanksgiving,
with nothing penciled in for either that day or the following Sunday, except
that the Metropolitan Opera broadcast on Saturday would be Aida. He
wondered if Amy liked opera.
He
wrote her back, immediately this time, letting her know that he was indeed
free, and giving her his phone number so that she could call him when she was
in New York.
The
next day, in class, Roger invited him for another weekend, the first one in
November, at the Long Island house. This time it would be only with his parents
and Monica, and possibly once again Peter. My folks really like you,
Roger said.
Peter
was there, and he and Monica spent most of their time with each other. The
weather was dry and quite mild for the season, propitious for the project of
painting the trim that Roger had pending. With Daniels willing help, the job
was done by Sunday afternoon, just before sunset.
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