10
1 Jan 90
I
have made a New Years resolution: I will write more faithfully. No more than 2
months between entries.
I am no longer
seeing George Kenner. Our last date was a week after the horrible killings at
the Ecole Polytechnique. I was still in shock, and so overcome with grief that
I could not respond to him sexually. That got him upset. But its been two
weeks, he whined, and after this weekend you wont have time for me because
Daniel is coming. Actually D wasnt coming till the end of the following week,
but I didnt want to argue. I felt disgusted with George. Did he not understand
what the massacre meant to me? Not only in human terms, but specifically, since
these young women were singled out because they were engineering students, to
French Canadian professional women like me? I left his place as quickly as I
could, and didnt even bother saying that I didnt want to see him again. I
wonder if he will call me again. And I wonder what I will say if he does.
Daniel never
ceases to surprise me. When I wished him a happy new year this morning he
announced out of the blue that in a week he is going to Cyprus. I immediately
thought of Miki I once got a postcard from him from Cyprus, when Daniel was a
baby. And in fact it has something to do with Miki, or rather a woman named
Nili, who was Mikis girlfriend in Israel when he was 16. How in the world did
he ever get in touch with her? He said it was complicated, and he would explain
it to me some time. So here he is, a world traveller at 18. Luckily he can
afford it.
So there was
yet another Miki, the one in Israel who spoke Hebrew and did whatever he did
with Nili.
Yet another
Miki who was not my Miki. Of course he told me that he spent his 17th
and part of his 18th year (my 3rd, more or less) on a kibbutz in Israel (which
is where he became fluent in the Hebrew that was so valuable to him in his
journalism). But he gave me very few details and certainly did not mention a
girlfriend. To me, a year in Israel was never more than an item on the
checklist of what I knew about my husband. Born in Poland, check. Lost his
family in the War, check. (Dont call it the Holocaust, he said.) Survived a
concentration camp in Germany, check. Reunited with his uncle Leon, check.
Lived in Israel for a year, check. Returned to Germany for Leon and Felas
wedding, check. Decided to stay there with Brigitte, check. Left her after 18
years when she confessed her infidelities, check. Came to Montréal for a visit.
The beginning of reality. My reality. My reality with Miki, which, as
short-lived as it was, was more real than anything else I ever experienced.
Except of course motherhood, which is its extension. By being the mother of
Mikis children I have kept that reality alive.
But have I
done so? Or is it my fantasy? Was my Miki real? Was he the real Miki
Wilner? The brilliant, witty lecturer who could compare Québec with Palestine?
Of course that was real, and not only my reality. The wonderful lover who was
as gentle as he was insatiable? Was he like that with other women? Brigitte?
Nili? I have never allowed myself to ask those questions. No, my journal, I have taken a small piece of
Miki and constructed a whole man out of it.
But dont we
all do it? Do we ever really know the person that we fall in love with? Of
course not. We select the parts that we like and create out of them a person,
suppressing the other parts. And when some of the suppressed parts emerge above
the level of suppression, disappointment sets in, leading possibly to the loss
of love. Its what happened to Tina, and it made her a cynic. Not me, my
journal. I will keep my Miki as my reality.
Larnaca
The weather in New York, after Daniel got back there from
Montreal, seemed almost balmy in comparison, though on the day of his outbound
flight it snowed. But he was not prepared for the clear blue sky and warm sun
of Cyprus in January. After settling in his hotel room he took a long walk on
the McKenzie Beach and took deep breaths of the fresh Mediterranean air.
The
desk clerk told him that not enough snow had fallen on Troodos that year to
make skiing possible. It was Tuesday, and he had only two whole days before
Nilis arrival on Friday morning. He decided to stay in Larnaca. He found out
that there was enough to keep him busy as a tourist in the area archeological
sites, Byzantine churches and monasteries and he felt reluctant to rent a
car. Though he now had a permanent drivers license, he did not feel that he
had enough experience to drive on the left. And he wasnt sure if they rented
cars to eighteen-year-olds.
In
the evening he went to a taverna in order to hear some Greek music. When he
entered he noticed, at one of the tables, two thirtyish Englishwomen whom he
had noticed on the plane coming in from Athens. They were drinking beer. He
asked if he could join them, and they seemed pleased. They introduced
themselves. Their names were Sally and Kathleen, and they called each other Sal
and Kath.
Are
you really Canadian, or are you an American pretending to be one? Sally asked
while Kathleen giggled.
We
shant tell, I promise, Kathleen added amid more giggles.
And
what are you pretending to be? he asked. Im not sure that the English are
very popular here in Cyprus.
Australian,
of course! Sally exclaimed, and with an attempted Australian accent not very
different from her normal speech she shouted to the waiter, Hey, mate,
another jug, please!
By
the way, Kathleen said to him, where are you staying? Before he had a chance
to reply, Sally added, The place where were staying is a bloody dump. Were
going to kill that travel agent of ours when we get back.
He
told them the name of his hotel and described it to them. I wonder if theyve
got any rooms, Sally said.
Probably,
he said. They didnt seem that busy. I have their card on me, so I could call
and ask.
Wouldnt
that be lovely, Kathleen said. Thanks loads, Sally added.
He
asked the bartender to use the tavernas telephone, and the bartender said,
Certainly, sir. It turned out that the hotel did have rooms, and he handed
the phone to Sally, who made a reservation for the next day.
He spent a good part of the day exploring Larnaca, on foot
and by bus. Back at the hotel, he didnt see Kathleen and Sally all afternoon
or evening. Around nine-thirty, when, feeling a mild case of jet lag, he was
settling in for the night, there was a knock on his door. He opened it, wearing
only shorts and an undershirt, and there was Sally, wearing a low-cut blue
dress and high heels as though dressed for going out.
Hi,
Sally, he said. What
May
I come in? she asked, and entered his room before he replied. As she was
closing the door behind her she said, I just wanted to show you our
appreciation for getting us into this hotel. She stood very close to him, and
her perfume was overpowering. She closed the remaining gap between them, put her
arms around him and kissed him, pressing her oversized breasts into him. Though
he had not felt attracted to her, his eighteen-year-old penis responded
autonomously and directed his actions. He felt for a zipper in the back of her
dress, found it and opened it, unsnapping her bra along the way. The rest
followed very quickly, including a deft sheathing of his penis by Sally with a
condom that she had brought.
She
stayed in his room for about three quarters of an hour. Obviously they could
not have spent the night together in his single bed even if he had desired to
do so, which he did not. See you at breakfast! were her last words.
He spent another day of touring in Larnaca, and in the
evening, shortly after he came back to the hotel after a late and copious
dinner, a knock came around the same time as on the previous one. This time it
was Kathleen. Its my turn, she said with a giggle.
The
next morning he took a walk along the beach after breakfast, while his room was
being made. He was back at ten-thirty, and a little after eleven the telephone
rang. Mister Wilner? the desk clerk said. Miss Rozen is here. He
immediately went down to the lobby, where she was standing beside the desk.
Nili
Rozen may well have looked like her daughter Ora tall, dark, slim, very
pretty when she was younger. She was still tall and dark-complexioned. But
she was stout, with a puffy, heavily made-up face, and her hair was dyed a
zebra blond. He wondered if men her age found her attractive.
Daniel!
she said as she put her arms around him. It is amazing how you look like your
father! Its like I am seeing him again! She sounded on the verge of tears,
and then she laughed.
Today,
she announced, we will talk. Tomorrow my friend Stavros from Nicosia will
come, and he will take us in his car around the island, and Sunday also, before
I go back in the evening. Is that all right?
Its
fine with me, he said. Two bags were on the floor beside her, a middle-sized
suitcase and a small carry-on. When she picked up the carry-on and put its
strap on her shoulder, he picked up the suitcase and followed her to her room.
He noticed that on the baggage tag her name was written as N. Rosen.
As
he placed the bag beside the door while she was unlocking it, he said, I see
you spell your name with an ess, and Ora spells it with a zed.
Nili
laughed. When Ora got her passport after the military service, she decided to
write it in English with a zed so that people would not pronounce it like its
German. Her father was from Germany. But that happens a lot in Israel. We have
a minister in the government named Weizman, with one en, but his uncle was the
first President of Israel, Chaim Weizmann, with two ens.
She
was already inside the room. Shall I put your suitcase here? he asked, pointing
at the luggage rack with his free hand. Yes, she said, thank you very much.
I will see you in one hour okay?
Okay,
he said.
They
met in the lobby, and Nili suggested lunch, which they ate in the hotels
restaurant, talking very little. At length she said, Would you like to take a
walk?
Sure,
he said. It was only when were walking on the seaside boulevard, beside the
sandy beach, that Nili began to talk.
First
of all, let me tell you about the kibbutz. It is called Refadim, and it is in
the south, almost in the Negev. It is very warm and dry, except for two months
in the winter when its a little cold and there is a little rain. I moved there
with my parents when I was six. Before that we lived in Tel Aviv, but my mother
needed that kind of climate for her health. Also, my parents were very left,
and the kibbutz was very left
Leftist,
he said.
Yes,
leftist, in the old fashion of the years twenty and thirty. She evidently
meant the twenties and thirties, and he saw no point in correcting her. Very
progressive. In class ten I mean grade ten in the high school we had
biology, and a part of the class, in the winter, was about sex. Then, in the
spring, it was accepted that we practice it. The older kids, more experienced,
were supposed to teach the younger ones who just finished the class, the boys
with the girls and the girls with the boys. Nobody told us to do it; it was
just
understood. And if some kids didnt want to do it, it was all right. We
didnt talk about it with any adults, except the biology teacher, the
psychologist and the nurse. From the nurse we could always get condoms, but we
also learned about the method of Ogino-Knaus.
The
what?
The
method of
you know, the calendar
Oh,
the rhythm method!
Yes.
She smiled. Also, there was a rule that it was not allowed to be couples,
boyfriend and girlfriend, except if one was from a different kibbutz.
Thats
like exogamy, he said.
Yes,
thats right. You know about that! All that progressive ideology, a lot of it
was really very primitive. Nili paused. Now let me tell you about me. I am
not modest, but I also dont boast, so I will tell you a simple fact: I was the
most beautiful girl, not only in the kibbutz but in the whole district. You
know my daughter Ora: she is beautiful, yes?
Yes.
Honestly
I was more beautiful. Of course all the boys wanted me. Some of them I liked
and others not. But there was one special boy who wanted me, and I could not
stand him. He worked in the pool of fish
The
fishpond.
Yes,
thank you. At the fishpond, cleaning it and feeding the fish. And he always
smelled like fish. Most of the other girls also didnt like him.
Was
his name Tzvi?
Yes.
How did you know?
I
heard about him from Brigitte.
Oh,
Brigitte. Nili smiled again. So now let me tell you about the boy who came to
our kibbutz from Germany, in the spring of grade ten, when the class for sex
was already finished. He was very handsome and sexy what we call in Hebrew khatikh
and also he was already experienced, because he had the beautiful blond
girlfriend in Germany. Do you know how we found out? Tzvi told us about her.
Tzvi and Miki became friends very quickly. Maybe Tzvi thought that if he was a
friend of Miki, it would make it easier to catch girls.
Did
it?
No.
But Miki liked me, and I liked him, and we went out together a lot. We called
it going out, because we went out to the fields and under the olive trees.
That
sounds biblical.
Yes,
primitive like the Bible. Let me jump to the next year, when we were in grade
eleven. There was a new group of boys and girls in grade ten who just finished
sex class. Miki didnt want to do the teaching of the virgins. He didnt want
to make pain for anybody. I tried to tell him, Miki, somebody has to do it,
maybe it hurts a little bit and then its all right, its worth it. Did you
ever do it with a virgin?
Yes.
She is
she does sports, and she had no pain at all.
Your
father
finally he tried to do it with one girl, but he was so nervous that he
couldnt do it. But then one girl wanted Miki only Miki to be the first
one. She was Ruti, the sister of Tzvi. So Miki agreed, but Ruti had a lot of
blood and pain, and she had to get treatment. She was all right, and she wanted
to be with Miki again, but he refused absolutely. Then everybody, except me,
turned against Miki, and especially Tzvi, his best friend. After that Miki and
I went out only with each other, like a couple. I didnt care that it was
against the rules, because I already knew that I was going to leave the
kibbutz. And then Miki got the news that his uncle was getting married, so he
went back to Germany for the summer. The last time that we went out, I knew
that I was safe by the calendar, so we did not use a condom.
I
see, Daniel said, suddenly aware that Nili was talking about the era before
the pill.
When
the news came that Miki was not coming back to Israel but staying in Germany
with Brigitte, the first kid who knew about it was Tzvi, and he told me about
it. He thought that it would make me like him, but it made me hate him still
more. Tzvi always liked to be a kind of spy. I was stupid, and I told him that
the last time we did not use a condom. He asked if I was not afraid to be
pregnant, and I said that it was not his business. Then I found an excuse for
leaving the kibbutz: I entered to a beauty contest, and so I had to move to Tel
Aviv, and my parents agreed.
How
did you do?
In
the beauty contest? It was a joke. I did not know how to do makeup and how to
walk in shoes with high heels. But I got out of the kibbutz. I lived with my
mothers sister and her husband, I finished the high school in Tel Aviv, I did
the military service, I studied law, I got married with
to another lawyer, I
had Ora, and I got divorced. My parents stayed in the kibbutz for a few years
more, so I visited the kibbutz to see them, but when I got pregnant they moved
back to Tel Aviv, in an apartment with air-conditioning, so it was all right
for my mother. The only person in the kibbutz that I stayed in contact was a
teacher named Hanna.
Brigitte
told me about her too, he said.
Good.
Thats all the old history, from the years fifty. She fell silent, as if to
gather more memories.
They
were at the end of the beach and the beginning of the fishing harbor. She
pointed at a restaurant with a sign reading Psarolimano Fish Tavern.
This is a very good restaurant, she said. We should eat dinner there. Now
lets go back.
They
turned around, and Nili was silent for another while before resuming her
account. For the next ten-fifteen years, nothing more. she began. Then in
the year sixty-nine your fathers book came out in Hebrew, and the
establishment of Israel didnt like it. Michael Wilner was like a public enemy.
So now lets come to the year seventy.
One day in the middle of August it was a
Saturday so that I was at home I get a telephone call from Hanna in Hamburg.
She tells me that she has been visiting Miki and Brigitte, and that there has
been some strange business about some girl who says that she is my daughter,
seventeen years old, and Miki is her father. Hanna also tells me that Miki is
flying to Israel to investigate what is going on, but she doesnt know when. I
start to think. Tzvis father was one of the first people in the Mossad, and
Tzvi, after the military service, also went into the Mossad. As I told you, I
told Tzvi about my last time going out with your father without a condom, so
probably he made up the story to embarrass him.
A
few days later, in the evening, I get a call. He doesnt say his name but of
course I recognize him. The next morning he comes to my office. He has blond
hair and a beard and sunglasses. I start to laugh. He takes off his beard and I
recognize Miki. He explains that he is in Israel in disguise, posing as a
German tourist named Etzel Andergast, doing an investigation for Interpol. Then
he tells me the long complicated story: this girl not only says that she is my
daughter, but she hired a Bulgarian to kill a Nazi named Hemme, but it was not
the right Hemme, and the Bulgarian said that Miki hired him but then admitted
that it was the girl. It becomes clear that the Mossad is involved, and
specifically Tzvi. So Miki decides to find Tzvi. He says good-bye, and I dont
hear from him again for a month.
Did
you say Etzel Andergast? Hes a character in a novel that were going to be
reading in German class next semester.
I
know the novel really its three novels (how do you say, a trilogy?) from
Hanna. You will like it. Etzel Andergast is a young man who looks for the truth
about his father, but not a good truth, a bad truth.
What
happened after a month?
He
calls me from Germany and says that he wants to meet me in Cyprus. We agree to
meet in the beginning of October, when its Rosh Hashanah and a long weekend,
what we call a bridge.
We
also say that in French, faire le pont.
We
meet in Nicosia, and he tells me first of all that he is separated from
Brigitte. You know about that?
Yes,
she told me.
Good.
Then he tells me that he found Tzvi by the fishpond, and they got into a fight,
and he knocked Tzvi into the pool
I mean the fishpond, and maybe Tzvi was
dead, or maybe not. And then we were together again like when we were sixteen,
seventeen. The expression on Nilis face turned dreamy for a moment. We said
good-bye, and we agreed that we would meet again, some time. When I went back
to Israel I tried to find out what happened to Tzvi, but I had no contacts at
Refadim any more. I asked Hanna, but she also said that she lost contact and
didnt know. But I am not sure I believed her. I thought that maybe she was
afraid.
Of
what?
Retaliation.
She did not elaborate.
Is
Hanna still alive?
No,
she died three years ago. I went to her funeral in Jerusalem, with my father,
and there was not one person from Refadim. Not one!
Did
you ever find out about Tzvi?
No.
After all these years, I never found out.
When
did you see my father again?
In
January he called me and said that maybe we could meet in April, but in March
he called me and said that he was getting married and was going to be a father,
probably in September.
I
was born September eighteenth, and my mother tells me that my father was
there.
Yes.
He told me about it when he came a month later. He told me that he married your
mother for you, but it was not a real marriage. He was not in love with her. He
said that he could never again be in love with another woman after Brigitte.
It was rather tactless of Nili to tell him this, but then Daniel didnt expect
Israelis to be tactful he had met a number of them at Felas house and he
didnt react outwardly, though he felt a churning in his stomach.
Nili
sighed. We met again the next year, she went on, also in October. The year
after that was seventy-three, and he finally came to Israel again, as a journalist
covering the Yom Kippur War. We were together for one evening when he came to
Tel Aviv, and then he went to the Golan Heights. I think you know what
happened.
Yes,
he said.
They
walked back to the hotel in silence. Nili had said all she needed to say, and
shown no curiosity about Daniel. He didnt really care for her as a person, he
decided.
When
they met for dinner, she was wearing a black cocktail dress and high heels.
They took a taxi to the Psarolimano, since the walk would not have been comfortable
for her in those shoes. The very friendly young waiter, who remembered Nili
from previous visits, explained that the name of the restaurant meant fish
harbor and recommended the freshest fish, which was indeed delicious.
The nine-thirty knock came as it had the previous two
nights. This time it was Sally again it seemed that they had agreed to take
turns with him and her manner was more deliberate than the first time. She
undressed herself, slowly, and when her breasts were bare she pointed at them,
saying, Like these? Cost me eight hundred quid, they did!
Well
worth it, he said, unable to think of anything else to say, since he didnt
really like them. He briefly wondered if Gens very large breasts, which he had
enjoyed very much, were natural.
In the morning Nili met him in the breakfast room wearing
wedge sandals and a revealing white sundress; what it revealed was
uncomfortably reminiscent of Sally. They talked about matters unrelated to his
father: Cyprus, Ora, Nilis law practice. She asked Daniel a few perfunctory
questions about his studies, and seemed surprised when he told her that his
major was in German.
They
were just finishing breakfast when a big, paunchy but otherwise well-built man
with graying hair, wearing a navy-blue blazer over a white open-necked shirt,
entered the breakfast room and approached their table. He looked like a mature
version of the waiter at the Psarolimano. Daniel stood up to greet him and the
man reached out a large hand to Daniel. I am Stavros, he said, and
immediately looked down at Nili, who seemed to be blushing, and specifically at
her cleavage. That look dispelled any doubts Daniel might have felt about
Nilis abiding attractiveness.
As
soon as she had finished her last sip of coffee Nili stood up, took Stavros by
the hand and said to Daniel, We will see you in a little while. They were
almost running as they walked into the lobby and turned in the direction of
Nilis room.
Daniel
felt that he had an inner censor that prevented him from imagining sexual
activity by people who were his mothers age or older. When it came to
imagining Brigittes experiences, in his mind he saw the twenty-six-year-old
Brigitte of La Grande Paix, suitably colorized. He resolutely rejected
any hint of a fantasy about his mother and George Kenner. And the image of Nili
and Stavros coupling was replaced in his mind by that of Ora and the waiter at
the Psarolimano. But the fantasy led him to a feeling of his own, one that he
had repressed for a semester: he had the hots for Ora Rozen.
On Saturday and Sunday Stavros took Nili and Daniel on
lengthy tours of Cyprus. On Saturday it was along the southern coast to
Limassol and Paphos. Stavros, who turned out to be a lawyer like Nili and it
seemed that her being an accomplished, educated woman was a large part of her
appeal to him talked incessantly, telling the detailed story of each place
that they visited. Daniel surmised that Nili had already heard the narration,
but she maintained a lively interest throughout the tour.
They
had dinner on the way back, and returned to the hotel about nine. Daniel was
tired, and was looking forward to a good nights sleep, when the nine-thirty
knock happened again. As he had expected, it was Kathleen. She sensed his
fatigue, and they made do with a quickie.
On
Sunday it was to Nicosia where, as Stavros quite nonchalantly mentioned along
the way, he lived with his wife with a return trip through the Troodos
Mountains, where the snow in fact was quite scant.
This
time they were back at the hotel at six. Nili packed her bags and put them in
the trunk of Stavros Mercedes. Stavros then took them out to the Psarolimano
for a farewell dinner, which ended around eight. After their good-byes he drove
Nili to the airport for her nine-fifteen flight to Tel Aviv.
Daniel’s flight to
Athens would be exactly twelve hours later.
He
walked back to the hotel, intending to go to bed early in order to get a good
nights sleep, and hoping that Kathleen and Sally had tired of their show of
appreciation as he had tired of it since they knew that he was leaving the
next morning.
He
was in the middle of packing when the knock came. This time it was both of
them.
We
thought you might fancy a tag shag, Kathleen announced. He had not heard the
term before, but what they had in mind was clear to him. And what they
proceeded to do with him seemed to have been learned by watching a porn movie.
There were moments, in fact, when he believed that there was a video camera
overhead, filming their orgy. And the enjoyment that he got from it was far
more from an awareness of the pornographic nature of what they were doing than
from the almost negligible physical pleasure.
Wasnt
that good? Kathleen asked as they were dressing.
Arent
we good? Sally seconded. We didnt tell you that were hookers, did we?
Happy
hookers on holiday, you lucky bloke! Kathleen finished. The kissed him
together, one on each cheek, and left his room with their arms about each
other.
He
suddenly felt queasy. He had unwittingly had sex with two prostitutes! True, it
was not, technically, unprotected the womens profession explained their
skill with a condom but Gen had warned him about other STDs, such as herpes,
that were not condom-proof.
His
first class on Tuesday would be at ten oclock. Student Health Services would
open at nine, and he would be there on the dot.
When
the reception called to wake him at six-thirty, he had probably slept for not
much more than an hour the whole night..
|